David Mattson
Have you ever noticed how most issues that cause major problems in your world could have been solved faster, or avoided entirely, if there had just been solid communication up front? Have you ever wondered why that communication doesn’t happen?
These are questions of deep interest to anyone whose goal is to make the sales team – or, frankly, any team — more resilient, productive, and successful. Effective leadership, after all, is all about lifting people up, as opposed to beating them down. But let’s face it: it’s hard for us to lift someone up when we’re communicating at cross purposes with them about the situation they’re facing.
I’m speaking purely as a pragmatist here. I’m talking about what works, and what doesn’t, in human relationships. If we don’t know what’s going on in someone else’s world, then we can’t expect to lead very effectively in that relationship – and by extension, we can’t expect to lead a team effectively, or to lead an organization effectively. Why not? Because teams are composed of individuals.
And if we’re honest with ourselves, we’re going to have to admit that there are plenty of situations where we don’t really know much about what’s going on in an individual team member’s world, or we don’t see their world as they do. For whatever reason, our communication with that person isn’t great. And sometimes, when we try to work with that team member to solve a problem, we end up making the communication even worse.
So: Why is that?
I believe the best answer to this question is much, much simpler than a lot of us imagine. The answer comes to us from the discipline of psychology. You don’t have to have an advanced degree to understand this answer: it’s just one word: drama.
WHAT IS DRAMA?
Is drama the same as being outrageous? Is it the simple act of entertaining others? Is it showing up with some extreme emotional response to a problem? What exactly are we talking about here?
According to Transactional Analysis, an enduring and influential movement in psychotherapy, all these popular understandings of the word “drama” fall short.
Transactional Analysis tells us about a definition of “drama” that’s a lot more useful for leaders (and everyone else). This definition was formalized by psychiatrist Stephen Karpman in the late 1960s. According to Karpman, drama is dysfunctional communication — nothing more and nothing less.
There’s nothing to be frightened of in that formal-sounding word “dysfunctional.” All we are talking about here is “communication that doesn’t work” – communication that doesn’t solve problems, doesn’t reveal what’s important, doesn’t deliver the outcomes we need to deliver if we expect to remove obstacles to performance, learn about ourselves and others, and grow as human beings.
THE THREE BIG REASONS COMMUNICATION FAILS
According to Karpman, there are three big reasons human communication becomes dysfunctional. Karpman labels those reasons as follows: Persecutor mindset, Victim mindset, and Rescuer mindset.
Taken together, these three mindsets form a famous social model of human interaction known as Karpman’s Drama Triangle.
Karpman’s three labels are important because they shine a bright spotlight on the specific headspaces that keep us from communicating authentically with each other. These three labels remind us of the three recurring actors in the long-running human drama of dysfunction – by which I mean the ongoing drama of communication strategies that just don’t work, because they don’t help us learn anything meaningful about a person or a situation.
For decades, these three labels have been indispensable to therapists responsible for helping patients understand behavior and communication patterns that make situations worse, not better. Yet each of Karpman’s definitions should probably come with a special warning for leaders. That warning might read as follows: Odds are, YOU are in one of these mindsets RIGHT NOW.
That’s the hard truth each of us face. And that hard truth points us toward the most important thing for us to fix at any given workplace discussion: our own drama. That’s what matters. Not anything anyone else is doing. Our mindset. Our way of looking at any given problem. That’s what will transform communication on our team. Nothing else.
THE ONLY WAY TO WIN THE DRAMA GAME
Karpman, a psychotherapist, designed his model for other psychotherapists, so they could use it during therapy sessions. As leaders, though, we need to understand something experienced psychotherapists may grasp a bit more easily and intuitively than we do: Most human beings lapse into these three mindsets, and sometimes jump from one to another, with astonishing speed, typically without even realizing that’s what they’re doing. And in conversation, each mindset can perpetuate the other two, resulting in a dysfunctional communication cycle.
We’re not therapists. It’s not our job to or identify complex emotional problems or treat mental illness. But as sales leaders, we can help ourselves and our teams by understanding Karpman’s simple core takeaway regarding dysfunctional communication. Karpman’s big takeaway about the Drama Triangle is: The only way to win the Drama Triangle game is to make a conscious choice not to play … and then to defend that choice in both word and deed. The martial arts star Bruce Lee made much the same point when he was asked about the best way to avoid a punch. His answer: “Be somewhere else.”
That’s a choice. And a choice like that starts, as the song says, with the person in the mirror.
It’s true: sometimes, people barely communicate. The reason they don’t communicate well is usually drama. And every time we bring drama to the table, we make the quality of workplace communication worse and set a dysfunctional example for those who look to us for leadership.
Here’s the reality: Like everyone else, you and I spend a whole lot more time in the Drama Triangle than we’re eager to admit to ourselves or to others. If we’re serious about improving communication on our team, we can start by admitting that drama in the workplace happens a lot — and that we ourselves are often the reason it happens.
GETTING REAL ABOUT THE DRAMA TRIANGLE
Any time there’s a problem to be solved or an interpersonal conflict to navigate, shifting into one of the points on the Drama Triangle is our automatic default setting. Meaning: that mindset has become our instant reaction to conflict or stress. That mindset has become something that’s programmed deep in our nervous system. The shift I’m talking about is nothing to be ashamed of. It’s part of the human condition. The big question is, what are we going to do about it? How can we learn to recognize drama and disengage from it?
If any of what I’ve shared so far resonates with you, you may want to take fifteen minutes or so to answer the following questions in writing.
I’d like to ask you to start by thinking about all the times you’ve seen or heard people complaining about a situation without taking any responsibility for any aspect of what was going on. Whatever it was, it just happened to them – unfairly. Can you picture that? Most leaders can.
Now that you remember how often that happens, you’re ready for …
QUESTION ONE: Over the past 48 hours, in my written or verbal communication, have I complained about something — anything — to another human being, without offering a possible solution to that challenge? Yes, “just blowing off steam” counts.
If so, when and how did this happen? Please try to list as many examples, in writing, as you can.
Next, I’d like you to think of any times when you’ve seen someone “jump in” to “help” another team member — and even though they had good intentions, they made the problem worse. Can you think of any times that you had to undo what that “helper” had done – when fixing the damage they’d caused took more time than fixing the original problem would have taken you? Once you’ve recalled at least one situation like this, you’ll be ready for …
QUESTION TWO: Over the past 48 hours, in my written or verbal communication, have I tried to earn “brownie points” with another human being by offering to right some (perceived) wrong in their world… for them? By being the “helper,” throwing on my Superman cape, and claiming that I could fix the problem for them? As opposed to helping them find their own solution and learn from their own mistakes?
If so, when and how did this happen? Again, please list as many examples as you can .
Now, let me ask you this: Can you think of someone you’ve worked with (or for!) who always needed to be on offense? Who was quick to jump to the blame game? Most of us can. Once you have thought of such a person, you’ll be ready to answer …
QUESTION THREE: Over the past 48 hours, in my written or verbal communication, have I gone into Critical Parent mode to assign blame to another human being, either to their face or via a third party? In Transactional Analysis, the phrase “Critical Parent” refers to a state where an individual behaves in a judgmental, controlling, or authoritative manner, often mirroring the attitudes and behaviors of boundary-enforcing parental figures. In this mode, we may lay down rules, criticize, or impose their standards on others, often without empathy or consideration for their feelings. Every time we use the word “should” to describe what someone else ought to do, for example, we’re in Critical Parent mode.
If so, when and how did this happen? Here again, please write down as many specific examples as possible.
WHAT’S YOUR DEFAULT POSITION?
Welcome back.
If you had the most examples in the first category, it’s a good bet your default position on the Drama Triangle is the Victim mindset. You’ve probably seen this mindset in your own team members. For instance, let’s say someone on your team doesn’t make enough calls to other departments to cross-sell. When you try to talk to them about this, they say things like, “I wasn’t hired to do that,” or, “They never have time.” All their agency, all their initiative, has somehow vanished. Things happen to them, not because of them. Now here’s the question: Is there perhaps a similar pattern of victimization to look at in your own problem-solving responses?
If most of your examples showed up in the second category, your default position may be the Rescuer mindset. Here again, you’ve likely seen this dynamic play out on your own team. Is there someone on staff who’s so eager to prove how smart, how well connected, and how competent they are that they quickly gobble up what could be “teaching moments” for less experienced employees? The rescuer on your team could also be someone who jumps in when another team member is being called out for a lack of business-development behavior. Or it could be the person who “can’t” fulfill their own business-development behavior targets, because they were “helping” someone else with a proposal or with busy work. So: Is there something you might be able learn about setting aside your own Superman cape from this person’s default Drama Triangle setting?
If the third category was where most of your examples showed up, your default position is likely the Persecutor mindset. Is there someone on your team – perhaps a top performer – who hasn’t yet mastered the art of compassionate communication with colleagues, support people, and/or people who work in other departments? Who goes on the attack without knowing the details? Maybe stop and ask yourself what kind of example you’re setting for that contributor.
Here’s the point. Even if we don’t think of ourselves as a Persecutor, Victim, or Rescuer — which we probably don’t —we each have a favorite corner of the Drama Triangle that we retreat to.
That’s because we’re human. We’re the stars of our own show, the protagonist, the “good guy,” so we don’t always recognize what’s happening in the moment. Recognizing drama takes practice. But guess what? Drama has a way of happening, and messing up communication, whether we recognize it in the moment or not. That’s reality.
Fortunately, we can learn to win the Drama Triangle game any and every time it arises. All we have to do is get a little better, day by day, at deciding not to play. Once we make that decision, we make grownup communication possible, in the workplace and everywhere else.
